The “What Are We” Talk
The “what are we” talk. Always a popular topic and something that a lot of my clients ask me about. When do I ask this question? How do I approach the conversation?
Let’s start by discussing what this talk actually is. This is when you want to define the relationship with the person you are seeing. Whether that means deciding that you are exclusive or girlfriend / boyfriend. There tends to be some anxiety or nervousness around this conversation. And while it’s completely normal to be nervous, there should not be an overwhelming sense of worry. In a relationship that has been consistent and reciprocal, you should feel pretty confident going into the conversation that you are on the same page. And if you’re not, then that’s something you need to dig deeper into. But more on that later.
Next, let’s address at what point in the relationship you should have the “what are we” talk. The not so simple answer is that every situation is different. Some relationships move faster than others and some relationships move slower than others. Neither is right or wrong. It’s all about when you feel ready for that next step. The most important thing is to ask yourself where the want for this conversation is coming from. Make sure that this is not out of fear or a scarcity mindset. Are you just asking because you are seeking validation from a partner who has been inconsistent and unclear in their feelings? Be honest with yourself. And if the answer is yes, then the bigger conversation you need to have is with yourself. Is this person making you feel the way you would want to in a secure and healthy relationship? And is this truly something you want to move forward with? But if the answer is that you feel safe and happy in this relationship so you are truly ready for this next step, then that is a green flag to move forward with this conversation.
So when should you bring up the “what are we” talk? Sometimes certain situations will allow this conversation to come up naturally. For example, if they are meeting your friends for the first time and you don’t know how to introduce them. This one’s easy and opens you up to the talk. But if this type of situation does not come up naturally, then the key here is to bring it up when the vibes are high. Not during a fight or a tense situation. Do it when you’re having a great date together and things feel good between you two. This conversation should be a positive one so make sure to have the setting and atmosphere mirror that as well.
Now let’s get into the actual conversation. Even though this is titled the “what are we” talk - that is actually the opposite of how you should word things. Asking “what are we” or “what do you want” gives the other person all the power and makes it sound like the decision is up to them. When in reality, you are the one bringing up the conversation because of something that you are wanting. Take the power back into your hands and make the conversation about what YOU want. Tell them how you are feeling and what you want. Then, once you have told them what you want, you can ask them what their thoughts are or how they feel about that. I can’t reiterate enough that asking “what are we” is not the way to approach this conversation. Make it about how you feel and what you are looking for.
Once you have the talk, what are the next steps? If they feel the same way and want the same thing as you, then great! It’s always an exciting and happy time when you take that next step in your relationship. But what if they are not on the same page? If they are not ready for the next step, then ask them why and if there is anything blocking them from getting there. There is a difference between someone just wanting something casual right now versus someone saying they take commitment seriously and they see that in the future with you but don’t feel ready quite yet. You need to listen to their answers and decide if this person will truly get there or if they are stringing you along. There is a lot of clarity in how they respond, the validation they give you and how they make you feel through what they say. Trust your gut.
The key here with this conversation is that you need to be willing to walk away if they are not on the same page and if it does not feel like they will get there. Don’t stay with them just to prove how good things can be, hoping they will change their mind. I know it is hard to walk away and say goodbye to the hope and dream you created of what this relationship could be. But if someone does not want the same thing as you, they are releasing you so you have the space and energy for someone who does want the same thing as you.
These conversations, whichever way they go, will give you clarity and direction. It’s important to have them when you feel ready so you can move forward. Whether that means moving forward in a committed relationship or single. And remember, this is about what YOU want.
Interested in working with me as a coach? Here are a few ways to work with me!
The Dating Blueprint - a 3-month 1:1 coaching program designed specifically for the motivated woman who is ready to work from the inside out to embrace being single, enjoy the experience of dating, and make time to date with intention so they can find a long-term partner with the qualities and values they are looking for.
The Dating Blueprint Community - a safe space with weekly live trainings, consistent support from me as a coach and a public forum to ask for advice and to discuss dating with other single women going through the same ups and downs of dating and being single.
Attachment Theory Decoded - an in depth look at attachment theory with an assessment that unlocks your unique attachment style and a 1:1 coaching session for a full debrief on your results and how they affect your dating life.
The 6 Pillars to Creating a Dating Life You Love and Attracting Your Ideal Partner - a FREE guide that takes you through steps needed to face your fears and tackle your limiting beliefs head on so you can embrace being single and look at each dating experience as a fun and expansive opportunity.
Free Flow Coaching - If my program options aren’t for you but you are interested in working together, then let’s chat about a more free flow 1:1 coaching option. I offer three or six month packages.
