Choosing Your Life Partner
A few years ago I was trying to make a really big life decision about whether or not I wanted to pack up my entire life in Austin and move to a new city. For a boy. And I remember being so conflicted about this decision. There was a lot of anxiety, uncertainty and tears. Looking back, that reaction told me a lot about the decision and what I should do. But I remember telling my dad about this decision and how conflicted I was. And he told me something that completely shifted how I view choosing a partner. He said - the most important decision you will ever make is who you decide to spend the rest of your life with. That statement completely shifted things for me and reinforced every reason why I had not settled and why I was waiting patiently for the right person.
Your life partner is who you are going to make big life decisions with, potentially have kids with and go through all the ups and downs of life with. So you better be really certain about that person and feel aligned on the things that are important to you. I have seen my friends go through some seriously hard times and I have thought to myself, wow this is why they picked the person that they did. Because that person was their rock and supported them through it all. Imagine if that were not the case.
So how do you choose a life partner? Well, there are two ways to look at it. One path is the more tangible and actionable path. While the other is a more emotional and instinctual path. Both are important and a critical part when choosing a life partner but they tap into different parts of yourself and what you are looking for. Let’s start with the actionable path.
Values - Make sure you are clear on what your top values are. Not just what they are but why they are important to you. This will help you understand what you want to align on with a life partner and allow you to weed out those that don’t align.
Need to have’s vs Nice to have’s - There is a clear difference between what you truly need vs what would be nice to have in a partner. By being clear on this, it will only make things clearer for you as you are dating. And make sure these are true compatibility qualities and not surface level bonuses. This list should be about who they are as a person and how they show up authentically day to day and in a relationship.
Deal breakers vs Yellow flags - Hot take: I think deal breakers and red flags are the same thing. They are behaviors, values, and/or characteristics in a partner that you fundamentally disagree with. These let you know that the person is not right for you and as a result, you should end things with that partner. Whereas yellow flags are more life caution signs. They could be a green flag or they could be a red flag. But you need to get more information in order to make that decision.
Now let’s discuss the more emotional and instinctual way to choose a partner. The most important question to ask yourself is - How do you want to feel when you are with your life partner? Think about this and write it down. Women especially can focus more on if someone likes them rather than if they are showing up for them in the way they want and deserve. Reflect on how your ideal life partner would treat you and make you feel. If someone is making you feel unsure about the relationship or how they feel about you, then ask yourself these questions.
Would my person make me feel confused?
Wouldn’t the person I want to be with, want to be with me too?
Would my life partner make me feel uncomfortable about sharing how I feel?
Wouldn’t my life partner want me to communicate how I’m feeling and make me feel safe to do so?
Listen to your gut. What are your instincts telling you about this person? Just like my situation a few years ago, the anxiety and tears were trying to tell me something and it was that I did not want to move for this person. While the lists are important, we can make all the lists in the world but if we don’t listen to what our mind and body are telling us, then none of those lists matter.
Interested in working with me as a coach? Here are a few ways to work with me!
The Dating Blueprint - a 3-month 1:1 coaching program designed specifically for the motivated woman who is ready to work from the inside out to embrace being single, enjoy the experience of dating, and make time to date with intention so they can find a long-term partner with the qualities and values they are looking for.
Attachment Theory Decoded - an in depth look at attachment theory with an assessment that unlocks your unique attachment style and a 1:1 coaching session for a full debrief on your results and how they affect your dating life.
The 6 Pillars to Creating a Dating Life You Love and Attracting Your Ideal Partner - a FREE guide that takes you through steps needed to face your fears and tackle your limiting beliefs head on so you can embrace being single and look at each dating experience as a fun and expansive opportunity.
Free Flow Coaching - If my program options aren’t for you but you are interested in working together, then let’s chat about a more free flow 1:1 coaching option. I offer three or six month packages.
