Getting Over An Ex
Getting over an ex. This is an important topic and one with a lot of layers. Layers that would take multiple blog posts. But I’m going to try and scratch the surface with one post. And I’m going to cover all the bases because talking about “an ex” can apply to someone who was in your life for three dates, three months, or three years. With all of these stages, it’s normal to feel a void or feel lonely when that person is no longer in your life. And these all have similarities in how to approach their ending but there are also some key differences. So let's break this down into three sections - The Early Stages, Situationship Status and Long Term.
The Early Stages of Dating
This one needs to start with a bit of a reality check. After a few dates, you don’t actually know that person. And what you are missing is the potential of what could have been, not that actual person. The “connection” you felt was rooted in the excitement and potential you saw, not in reality.
As women, we tend to put men on a pedestal even before meeting them. By doing that, you are already assuming a lot about who they are and how they will fit into your life. When in reality, they need to prove to you that they deserve to be on that pedestal.
When you have been on a few dates with someone and then they end things, remind yourself that you don’t truly know that person and ask yourself if you really did like them. And most importantly, remind yourself that you want and deserve to be with someone who knows they want to be with you.
Situationship
Ok so now you’ve been dating someone for a few months but it never quite got to boyfriend / girlfriend status. And then they end things with you. The key thing to remember here is that you don’t want to be with someone that you need to convince to be with you. You deserve someone who wants to be with you, no convincing or chasing needed. We don’t chase, we attract.
And ask yourself - how did that person make you feel? Because when you really check in with yourself, in a lot of situationships, the answer is not a positive one. Typically, situationships make our nervous system go haywire. There’s a lot of confusion, anxiety and unknown. But what you want is the opposite - someone who calms your nervous system.
You don’t want someone that causes you uncertainty about when or if you are going on another date. Or someone who makes you check your phone every 5 seconds waiting for a text back. Now that this person is out of your life, there is space for someone who wants to be with you. Without convincing or chasing.
Serious Relationship
This is a tough one. Going through a breakup with a long term partner hurts. And it sucks. It’s completely normal to be sad and miss this person. But also remember that choosing yourself is the most important thing. You don’t want to ever lose yourself and your needs in a relationship. So choosing yourself can mean going through the hurt of not choosing them.
Give yourself time to heal and be selfish with your needs and your time. During the relationship, you had another person to think about. Now is your time to only focus on yourself. And allow yourself to lean on people in your life who make you feel good and feel loved. Let others be there for you.
It’s also important to remember the reasons why you broke up. Because there was a reason (or many) and those are critical to remind yourself of throughout your healing journey. I recommend journaling the key learnings from this relationship[ - both good and bad. So you know what you want to bring forward into the next relationship and what you want to be different. With time, you will feel better and feel more ready to enter into the next chapter.
No matter how much time you spent together, endings are hard. Because they represent an ending of a connection and a potential future that made you hopeful and excited. But I am a true believer that what is meant for you won’t pass you by and what passes you by, wasn’t meant for you. This relationship ended for a reason. So it’s up to you to take this experience and learn from it. But also to keep yourself open and optimistic that someone new and better for you will come into your life. And that’s exactly why this ended.
Interested in working with me as a coach? Here are a few ways to work with me!
The Dating Blueprint - a 3-month 1:1 coaching program designed specifically for the motivated woman who is ready to work from the inside out to embrace being single, enjoy the experience of dating, and make time to date with intention so they can find a long-term partner with the qualities and values they are looking for.
The Dating Blueprint Community - a safe space with weekly live trainings, consistent support from me as a coach and a public forum to ask for advice and to discuss dating with other single women going through the same ups and downs of dating and being single.
Attachment Theory Decoded - an in depth look at attachment theory with an assessment that unlocks your unique attachment style and a 1:1 coaching session for a full debrief on your results and how they affect your dating life.
The 6 Pillars to Creating a Dating Life You Love and Attracting Your Ideal Partner - a FREE guide that takes you through steps needed to face your fears and tackle your limiting beliefs head on so you can embrace being single and look at each dating experience as a fun and expansive opportunity.
Free Flow Coaching - If my program options aren’t for you but you are interested in working together, then let’s chat about a more free flow 1:1 coaching option. I offer three or six month packages.
