How To Attract Your Person
A struggle I’ve been hearing a lot is how women are attracting emotionally unavailable men. Whether they are men who are not ready for something serious or men who are already in a committed relationship. There is a pattern for a lot of women of attracting these types of men and not being sure why or how to break that cycle. This is a very complex topic and one that takes a lot of individualized work to break down because there are so many layers to uncover and a few different reasons that this could be happening.
I’m going to break down the reasons why into four sections.
Stems from insecurities / low esteem - aka you might be emotionally unavailable yourself
Linked to past patterns - childhood, relationships, etc
You are not clear on your ideal partner image - red flags, deal breakers, nice to haves vs need to haves
You are not putting yourself out there in the right places - digitally or physically
First and foremost, you need to be willing to do the work on yourself to unpack where this is stemming from in order to break the pattern. And specifically with the first two reasons I listed above, I highly recommend working 1:1 with a therapist or a coach to dive into these and how they are causing you to attract and choose emotionally unavailable men. Check out some of my 1:1 options at the end of the blog if you are interested in working with me.
Now let’s focus on the last two reasons as these can be a bit more generalized.
Get clear on your ideal partner image
When intentionally dating, it is so important to have a clear picture of your ideal partner. By getting specific and having clarity around what values and qualities you are looking for in a partner, you are more likely to attract that person and stop settling for someone that is not right for you. If you don’t have a clear list of what you need and want in a relationship, then you will be too open to the wrong opportunities and then miss the right opportunities. And when you let in the wrong opportunities, you are lowering your standards and de-prioritizing your own needs. This will only lead to setting and not being fully happy in your relationship. Creating an ideal partner image includes deciding your top values, distinguishing your need to have’s vs nice to have’s and defining your red flags vs deal breakers.
For prompts and worksheets around this exercise, go to my website and fill out the “check out my free guide” pop up box. This will send you my freebie that includes these exercises along with many others in order to create a dating life you love and to attract your ideal partner.
Put yourself out there - digitally and physically
I know - the dating apps suck. But they are a part of today’s dating culture and are honestly here to stay. And while it’s totally fine to take breaks from them, if you are serious about wanting to find a partner then you need to be on them. The key here is to make sure your prompts and personal facts show what you are looking for and what you are interested in. For example, make sure your Dating Intentions section says “long-term relationship” or “long-term partner”. And if you see any profiles that say “short-term relationship” or “figuring out my dating goals” then you swipe left immediately. Those are not the men you are looking for. Those men are clearly telling you that they are unclear about what they want and therefore are unavailable. Also, use the prompts to paint a clear picture of what you want. For example, use the Typical Sunday prompt to paint a picture of what your ideal Sunday looks like with a committed partner. Another idea is to use The Way To Win Me Over prompt to describe the kind of man you are looking for. Include words and phrases that paint the image of an available man who is looking for a relationship. And again, look for answers in men’s profiles that say the opposite or men who put little effort into their profile and swipe left on them.
Now let’s talk about putting yourself out there physically. Be open when you are out and about. This means look up from your phone and look approachable. You never know where you could meet someone. I have heard many stories of women being approached and asked out at a grocery store. But they certainly didn’t have headphones on with their head down and a frown on their face. Go to coffee shops to do work, grab a girlfriend and hit up a local bar or restaurant, lean into hobbies or monthly meetup groups, attend dating events and ask friends to set you up. Specifically the last two suggestions are options where you know the other person is at the very least single and trying to meet someone. There are endless ways to put yourself out there in order to meet men in the wild. And people are more open than ever to meet someone separately from the apps so now is the perfect time to go all in.
Just remember, a lot of this is about the energy and mindset that you are putting out into the world. Which is why attracting unavailable men starts with you and working on yourself. Because if you are not coming from an emotionally whole and available place, then you are attracting that same type of energy. So if you find yourself in this pattern of attracting unavailable men then it’s time to get to work and look internally.
Interested in working with me as a coach? Here are a few ways to work with me!
The Dating Blueprint - a 3-month 1:1 coaching program designed specifically for the motivated woman who is ready to work from the inside out to embrace being single, enjoy the experience of dating, and make time to date with intention so they can find a long-term partner with the qualities and values they are looking for.
The Dating Blueprint Community - a safe space with weekly live trainings, consistent support from me as a coach and a public forum to ask for advice and to discuss dating with other single women going through the same ups and downs of dating and being single.
Attachment Theory Decoded - an in depth look at attachment theory with an assessment that unlocks your unique attachment style and a 1:1 coaching session for a full debrief on your results and how they affect your dating life.
The 6 Pillars to Creating a Dating Life You Love and Attracting Your Ideal Partner - a FREE guide that takes you through steps needed to face your fears and tackle your limiting beliefs head on so you can embrace being single and look at each dating experience as a fun and expansive opportunity.
Free Flow Coaching - If my program options aren’t for you but you are interested in working together, then let’s chat about a more free flow 1:1 coaching option. I offer three or six month packages.
