Texting And Dating
Texting has added a whole other complexity when it comes to dating. And let’s be honest, that added complexity can be very stressful especially in the early stages of dating. Wondering when you will hear back from them next, focusing on why they haven’t responded yet, trying to figure out if you should send a smiley face or an exclamation mark. It can truly drive any sane person crazy trying to figure it out. But the reality is that texting is just like any other line of communication. Which means with the right person, it should be easy.
During the early stages of dating, you want to focus on if the texting is constant vs consistent. There is a clear distinction between these two things especially when it comes to dating. You want to be careful that the texting is not constant, 24/7. Why? Because this causes a false sense of intimacy. Sure, you can get to know each other via texting but the real connection builds when you spend time with the person and have more in-depth conversations. The key here is consistent communication. While it’s not 24/7, you are consistently hearing from this person in a way that feels intentional. They are proactively reaching out to make plans to see you and to get to know you better. If someone is constantly texting you but not trying to see you in person, then this is a red flag and they are probably not serious about you.
The golden rule when it comes to dating is if someone is interested, you will know. This applies to all areas of dating including texting. You will know through their texting / communication if they are interested and want to keep spending time with you. The moments when you are confused and don’t know if you will hear from them are the moments that tell you what you need to know. And yes, people can be busy so sometimes a dip in texting will happen. But the difference is that someone communicates this so you know they are busy. Also, we tend to think of no response as missing information when it actually gives you all the information you need to know. Shift your mindset to think of no response as a response in and of itself.
Another aspect of texting is that it is a very specific style of communication. In today’s day and age, it’s hard to wrap our heads around people who don’t like texting. But there are those who hate texting and much prefer a phone call or FaceTime. This is why communication styles are important to discuss as you start dating someone. It doesn’t need to be a forced conversation. And honestly, if someone is not being proactive in their efforts to see you then no conversation is needed. Time to move on. But if they are being consistent with making plans but you are seeing that your styles are not aligned, this could be something to bring up and discuss. It’s all about understanding each other better so there isn’t any miscommunication.
Now let’s talk about what to do when you are seeing someone new and you find yourself getting anxious about their texting. Here are three things to do.
Call it out – Acknowledge that you are feeling anxious and why. It’s not going to help to ignore it and pretend it’s not happening. So call out what is happening and why you are feeling anxious.
Challenge your thoughts – Ask yourself questions that challenge the anxious thoughts you are having. Questions like – Can I control this? The answer here is no, so why let yourself spiral over something that is out of your control. Ask yourself, do I have a date planned with this person? If the answer here is a yes then challenge your thinking that this person is not interested. Because clearly there is an interest there or a date would not be planned. And if it’s not, then think about if this is how you want to feel when you are dating someone. Remind yourself that you want to feel secure and excited, not anxious and confused.
Put the phone down and focus on something else – Since you can’t control when or how someone texts you, it’s time to put the phone down and focus on what you can control. Staring at the phone won’t cause them to text you. So get outside, go to a workout class, put on your favorite TV show, or spend time with friends. Whatever takes your focus away from the phone and towards something more positive and controllable.
I think we tend to overcomplicate a lot of aspects in dating. And while it’s completely normal to overanalyze someone’s texting, it really is simple. If they are interested in you, you will know. The texting will be consistent and the plans to see you will be consistent. If that is not the case, then you have your answer. Most importantly, don’t lose sight of the ultimate question – but do I even like them. Because that is truly what matters. And why get anxious and upset over someone you don’t even like or know.
Interested in working with me as a coach? Here are a few ways to work with me!
The Dating Blueprint - a 3-month 1:1 coaching program designed specifically for the motivated woman who is ready to work from the inside out to embrace being single, enjoy the experience of dating, and make time to date with intention so they can find a long-term partner with the qualities and values they are looking for.
The Dating Blueprint Community - a safe space with weekly live trainings, consistent support from me as a coach and a public forum to ask for advice and to discuss dating with other single women going through the same ups and downs of dating and being single.
Attachment Theory Decoded - an in depth look at attachment theory with an assessment that unlocks your unique attachment style and a 1:1 coaching session for a full debrief on your results and how they affect your dating life.
The 6 Pillars to Creating a Dating Life You Love and Attracting Your Ideal Partner - a FREE guide that takes you through steps needed to face your fears and tackle your limiting beliefs head on so you can embrace being single and look at each dating experience as a fun and expansive opportunity.
Free Flow Coaching - If my program options aren’t for you but you are interested in working together, then let’s chat about a more free flow 1:1 coaching option. I offer three or six month packages.
