what is box theory?
The Box Theory originated from content creator and influencer, Tinx. Tinx has been coined as “TikTok’s big sister”, mainly due to the advice she gives on her social media platforms. She covers a broad range of topics but many people go to her for dating advice. Tinx provides many different theories and terms that are easy for her followers to relate to and understand.
One of her most popular theories is Box Theory. So let’s unpack it and discuss.
What is Box Theory? It’s the idea that when a man meets a woman in a romantic setting, he will put her into one of three boxes.
He wants to date her - There is very little that can be done to change his mind. The woman can get too drunk on the date, sleep with him on the first date, etc. And he will still want to date her.
He wants to sleep with her - He is not interested in dating the woman seriously, only sleep with her. If she holds out on having sex with him, he still won’t want to date her.
He wants nothing to do with her
So is this theory accurate? Do men put you into a specific box on a first date? And are you stuck in that box forever? The not so simple answer is Yes and No.
There are always going to be initial judgements or feelings when meeting someone that can ultimately guide a person’s actions. And I do think people in general know if they are interested in continuing to get to know someone or not during/after a first date. But knowing if he wants to date you vs only sleep with you might be a bit more of a complex question and the answer can come with time.
But I think we might be giving men (and honestly people in general) a lot of credit for being able to know how they feel about someone right off the bat. Sure, there are certainly times when a man will know after a first date but I think we can dumb this down to a more common scenario.
He is interested in getting to know you more // he wants to sleep with you
He isn’t interested // doesn't want to sleep with you
If he does want to keep getting to know you then it’s with the potential of you turning into someone he wants to date.
This is why I think the theory’s hard stance, that people cannot change their minds, is not the case in every situation. There are countless stories of two people who were friends for years and one day realized they had feelings for one another. Sometimes a hookup relationship can become something deeper and more long term. Or, people might go on a first date and not feel sure but after a few more dates, their feelings and connection have grown.
Now, I am certainly not saying that if you find yourself in a situationship and you want more, you should wait around for the other person to change their mind. And if someone isn’t treating you the way you want and deserve, then you should stick around hoping that changes. Any relationship you are in, whether it is purely sexual or if you are dating, should be led with honesty and communication. Expressing what each partner wants and expects will ensure that both parties are on the same page. And if not, then a decision needs to be made.
This brings me to another theory - The Movie Theory coined by Nick Viall. I highly recommend checking out his podcast The Viall Files. Nick’s blunt and to the point dating advice and outlook is spot on. And I find it very helpful to hear the man’s perspective. The Movie Theory says that men are pretty simple when it comes to sex and it’s similar to how people feel about a movie.
The movie is fine. You enjoyed it and finished it but don’t need to see it again. If you have to see it again then okay totally fine.
You hate the movie and barely got through it or don’t finish it.
You love the movie and are obsessed with it. You can’t wait to see it again and tell your friends all about it.
Most movies fall into the first category - liked it but didn’t love it. And ultimately, it doesn’t make a difference when you sleep with him because you will be put into one of those boxes. If he loves having sex with you aka if you’re a rewatchable, then he will want to have sex with you again. Sleeping with him one month vs three months won’t change the outcome, only prolong his decision about the movie. Of course you want to build the emotional connection but no emotional connection will change his mind depending on where he puts you in that box. Meaning, a great emotional connection will not make up for how he feels about having sex with you while a bad emotional connection can ruin a great movie.
What I love the most about both of these theories is they support the idea that it does not matter when you sleep with someone. If a man really likes a woman then sleeping together on date one vs date ten should not matter. And waiting won’t change the outcome of what he wants long term. This is empowering because it allows you to let go of the pressure to wait long enough or not too long to have sex with a partner. Instead, sleep with them when you want to / feel ready. We have years of conditioning telling us that we should wait until the third date but this is an antiquated way of thinking. Take back the power and do it when you want to. Furthermore, don’t worry about what he wants after sex, worry about what YOU want. Ask yourself questions like - How was the sex for me? What did he do? Would I have it again?
Moral of the story - sometimes a potential partner will put you in one of those boxes and sometimes that box won’t change. But no matter what, communicating what you want with that potential partner and making decisions around next steps and intimacy should come from what is best for you. Most importantly, the right person will put you in the box you deserve and want.
And this brings me to the final theory - Reverse Box Theory. This is another Tinx theory that applies to women. Women, especially in their young 20’s, put men into one box. The dating box. Even before meeting their date, they get excited and start to create an imaginary idea of this person without taking into account that you don’t even know this guy or know if you like him yet. This is called future tripping where you imagine the future with this person and what could be. It blurs your vision and leads to nerves before a first date because you feel that you have something to prove / you have to perform and win this dating game. It also leads to thinking a date is better than it is.
And where does most of this stem from? Media, modern dating culture, entertainment. Which causes a scarcity mindset. The idea that there is not enough to go around (dating, jobs, money, attention, etc). This mindset causes a lot of stress around making someone want to date you and finding a partner. Which is why women date by seeing the potential rather than the reality and start changing their mind about how they feel based on that.
But the real question is - do I want to date him? You don’t truly know this person after one, two, three, even six dates. This man doesn’t get to go in the date box until you know him. A date is about feeling out the vibe and compatibility which means the playing field is even. So stop putting him on a pedestal right away. Eventually, over time, he can go in the date box. When he deserves it. But you are the prize and he should feel lucky to go in that box when the time comes.
